Obesity in America

Have you heard the latest statistics? That America is the fattest place on the planet, with almost a third of our population being considered, not just overweight, but obese? That's not the American dream. We're supposed to be the greatest nation in the world, not the laughing stock of the United Nations gym class, the last country to be picked for the kickball team. If we ever want to make it anywhere in this world, we need to step up our game, and that means exiling some fatties, and fast.

But, I think to myself, where can we possibly hope to hide nearly a hundred million ENORMOUS people? And then it hits me. We have any entire landmass, about four and half million square miles of extremely solid ground (and trust me, we need emphasis on the extremely) that no one even lives on. Completely uninhabited. Completely isolated. Antarctica! And it begins to dawn on me, the perfection of this notion. If anyone can survive the harsh wilderness of the tundra, surely it's the people with a couple hundred pounds of insulation, right?

Let's look at the numbers. There are about 300 million people in the U.S. Roughly a third of those people are overweight, that's 100 million. Antarctica is about 4.5 million square miles of land--so that's 4.5% of a square mile per person, about 238 square feet, about 80 square yards. Almost a whole football field in any direction, for one person! That's a beautiful amount of living space, if you ask me. Let's factor in the idea that about 10%, even with the extra flab, will be too pansy to take one for the team and tough it out. So they die, but who cares, right? They're not our issue anymore, they're Mother Nature's. Another 25% will probably be eaten by polar bears (do they have polar bears in Antarctica?) or yetis or something, but that leaves us with about 65 million fatties. A majority of those people are going to slim down eventually, because let's face it, ice fishing just ain't the same as the McDonald's drive thru.

In conclusion: lower population density, rock-bottom national obesity rates (i.e. 0%), and 65 million people who are all the wiser on how to combat polar bears? Obesity crisis SOLVED.