Perfect Playlist

This assignment actually came at a pretty convenient time. You know when you're driving and the guy in front of you is so astoundingly incompetent that you're surprised anyone ever allowed him operate a motor vehicle? And you honk at him for ignoring how four-way stop signs work at the Fontaine-Lakeshore intersection, but it just doesn't seem like an adequate expression of your rage? And you're thinking, god I wish my car had metal spikes on the front of it so I could just destroy his rear bumper and then pass him and laugh in his face?

With that said, I have combined five perfect wrath-inducing songs that will not quell your fury, but rather feed it. It is not recommended that the listener actually rear end anyone while listening to the playlist, regardless of whether their car is metal-spike-equipped or not. Therefore I chose a title that still involves revenge, but skips out on most of the bodily harm caused by car accidents. I dub this creation "The Perfect Playlist for Keying the HELL out of Your Arch Nemesis's Car," even though I realize that keying cars is so 1990's. Bear with me.

1. If You See Jordan by Something Corporate. The first three choruses of this song begin with "If you see Jordan, he makes me sick," but I guess by the fourth one, Andy McMahon was too pissed to be creative, so the chorus changes to yelling the simple but effective lyrics "F--- you Jordan, you make me sick." The last line of the song is "I don't care if you dye your hair, you'll always be a little redhead b----." Enough said. It's the perfect anger song.

2. I Said It Before by Just Surrender. I’m not a huge fan of this band, but this song is definitely a good one for fueling rage. It’s not very long, but it doesn’t have to be, because it has enough spite to kill a baby elephant. “You’re a coward and a liar at best. Keep walking, kid, and choke on your regrets.” That’s the line you should listen to when you’re kicking out their headlights and/or shattering their windshield with a baseball bat.

3. If You’re Lucky, No One Will Get Hurt by Daphne Loves Derby. First of all, the chorus of this song is crazy awesome, whether you’re destroying someone’s car or not. DLD is just an impressive band in general. The only thing that could possibly make this song even cooler is the fact that the lead singer is an adorable Asian guy. Unexpected. I love plot twists.

4. Harder to Breathe by Maroon5. Okay, I had to. I don’t care what kind of music you’re into, you like Maroon5, even if you don’t want to admit it. And this song fits really well into the playlist because it has that angry sort of beat to it that just makes you want to, you know, break things. You just have to ignore the sexual undertones (by undertones I mean really obviously sexual lyrics throughout the entire song) and you’ll be fine.

5. When You’re Around by Motion City Soundtrack. While this band has a tendency to write adorably random, cute things most of the time, I thought this song was a good closer for the playlist. “The least you could do is take it back, all the vicious remarks and verbal attacks. Cause I can’t f---ing stand it when you’re around.” Despite the lyrics, the music itself isn’t too harsh, and should bring you down nicely from your glass-smashing, paint-scratching, hood-denting high. It will give you a final sense of justification before you realize—damn, you’re probably going to end up on Judge Judy.